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The Greatest Love Letter

By Tim Berry, JD - Email Editor

April 2010

Dear Valued Reader,

Back in late January, my father, gave me a call at 9:30 at night to tell me that he was going into the hospital in a couple of days for open heart surgery. I was a bit stunned and didn’t really know what to say other than, “Is it necessary?” “Is it normal at your age?”, etc. . . . He reassured me that his Dr. told him he only had about a 3 percent chance of things going bad, stents wouldn’t work, and open heart surgery was the only viable option for his situation.

He hasn’t come back.

For the first few days everything seemed fine, but evidently at some point he had a stroke. After the stroke his mind was wiped out. Literally wiped out.

He no longer remembered the year, his wife’s name, that he had children, or even most importantly to the old “Dad”, his dog’s name.

When the hospital said he was physically ready to go home, I flew up to his house to help my step mother and make sure the transition went as smoothly as such things could go. About the same time I arrived, a medical supply store delivered a hospital bed for my father to use. That’s when the reality of the situation really hit me. I had flashbacks to my grandfather’s last days and how they brought in a hospital bed; my grandfather never left that bed.

Right after setting up the hospital bed, I went to the hospital to check on my Dad. Words can’t describe the scene or emotions I felt as I saw my father, barely a husk of his former self, asking who I was. Also I saw firsthand the chore it was going to be for my step-mother to try and take care of my father at home. Even a month after surgery, he couldn’t move from his bed to a chair right next to his bed without help. As the various therapists and social workers sat down to tell us what was needed to be done the following day when my father went home, they emphasized time and again the need for us to hire some home health care providers to help us take care of my father. They even set an appointment for a care provider to meet with us that night.

When we met with the home care provider, they were going to charge us $30/hour for the normal help, and $90/hour if we needed a nurse. (Nurses are required for tube fed patients like my father). The bill for a week’s worth of services was $1,980. You can do the simple math: Tthat is over $100K a year. What a screwed up situation. You want to provide the best for your family, yet you have to factor in the money situation as well.

For the longest time I pretty much thought long term care insurance was a scam. I am now a true believer and will preach its benefits to anybody who asks. Don’t think about it, go out and purchase a policy.

A couple of challenges we are having with our long term insurance carrier, John Hancock. The first is being able to talk to the insurance company about the policy. My father, before he went into the hospital told the insurance carrier they could talk to me about the policy. (It still takes them 5 minutes of hold time to figure out they can talk with me.) Make sure you let the insurance company know a 3rd party other than your spouse is allowed to talk about the policy. Chances are your spouse is going to be an emotional wreck and might need some help in this area.

The second moral is to make sure the carrier has good customer service.

We are having issues with the company, and I requested a copy of the actual contract to review. John Hancock is telling me it will take up to 7 weeks to get it to me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t exercising proper patience and hung up on them when they told me that.

The following day when we arrived at the hospital to take my Dad home, we were told that he wasn’t doing so well. Not only did we leave the hospital empty handed, but a lot of tears were shed that night while we waited for “the phone call”. The next morning we took the dog for a walk and I asked what sort of estate planning they had in place.

(A quick digression. For as long as I can remember my father subscribed to, and read, the Wall St. Journal and Investors Business Day. In later years he graduated to the Financial Times. Once he retired from being a Navy pilot, he was a commodities broker. He also prepared partnership returns for investments with his sisters, as well as served as the trustee of a family irrevocable trust. What I am hoping to convey is that he was not a neophyte to the financial world.)

So picture this if you will, a man knows they are going to have open heart surgery. The same person knows of the legal implications of having assets in America. He knows there are tax implications to being married to a non U.S. Citizen. (His wife is Norwegian). He had also just sold some family land via an installment note for over 7 figures. Guess what steps he/they had taken to plan his estate? He had a sixteen year old will, and my step mother? Well. . . she didn’t even have a will. Apparently they had gone to a local attorney to have some documents drawn up, but they never got around to getting back to the attorney.

The third moral of this story: Get your estate in order.

Sure, it’s going to cost you a few pennies to get the proper documents for your situation. However, how much is it going to cost you and your family if you don’t? If you don’t use a living trust, make sure you have a power of attorney drawn up as well. The reason is that a good trust will have disability provisions such that if you are no longer able to make decisions, a successor trustee can step in and take over. With a will, it only becomes effective upon your death, so there are no provisions for your disability, thus the need for a power of attorney document.

Going a step further, make sure the power of attorney form is a “durable” power of attorney which means it will be effective even when you are incapacitated.

Another pointer on power of attorney forms is to try to get the “official” version from your financial institution. Many times banks and brokerage firms will not honor your personal POA form and require it be their form. Unfortunately, if your family finds this out when you are already incapacitated you are out of luck. Sure your family could get an attorney, sue, etc. . . but that is a distraction they don’t need at that point.

The other ultra important document is a living will or advanced health care directive. It is the document that tells the doctor what measures you want taken to prolong your life. We all know we are going to die sooner or later, so don’t shirk your responsibility and push this decision, and its emotional cost on your family. Take the decision along with the guilt away from them.

In closing, I used to always joke with insurance agents about the corny line of a life insurance policy being “the greatest love letter you could ever write your family”. Now that I’ve gone through this experience I truly believe a long term care policy as well as properly setting up your estate are the greatest love letters you can write your family.

Don’t push tough decisions upon your family when they are going through emotional turmoil, give them clear cut guidance and direction as to exactly what your wishes are.

P.S. As of 4/20 my father has been moved from the hospital to a nursing home. We are still hoping he can come home soon.

By Tim Berry

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